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|What:||Hockessin Hash #1151 - the Port-A-Ho Birthday Hash!|
|When:||Aug. 31, 2016|
|Where:||36 Smalleys Dam Road, Newark, DE|
|What: Hockessin Hash #1151, the Port-A-Ho Birthday Hash! |
When: Wednesday, August 31, 2016 at 6:30 pm, HST
Where: 36 Smalleys Dam Rd, Newark DE ,19702
Who Hare: Port-A-Ho
Friendlies: Does Jasper like your dog or kid?
What to Bring: Maybe a chair.
D'erections: From I-95, take Exit 4/Rt. 273 East towards Dover, turn right on Old Baltimore Pike. At the first left, go left onto Trefoil Drive, go to end of road, right on Smalley's Dam. If you need further directions Google it or call
Dirty Wet Pussy
Do Me On the Beach
Does It All
Jewel of Duh-Nile
Magic Carpet Ride
Sandy Penis Beach
The Wetter the Better
|Trash for Hockessin Hash #1151, Port-a-Ho’s Birthday Hash|
So, the slobbering pack met at the residence of Port-a-ho and Jasper on Smalleys Dam Road in destination Newark, DE for Port-a-ho’s birthday hash, aka fun and games galore on a warm, somewhat humid and becoming moist, low 80-ish degree evening of August 31st, 2016 AD. Hashers I remember encountering at some point or other included: Jewel of Duh-Nile, PubeHeAteHer, NecroPheelMeUp, Skidmarks, Lost Penis, Dirty Wet Pussy, Magic Carpet Ride, Fuck 5, Closing Time, Wet Lay, Bunion Butt, Butthead, Asshopper, Wetter the Better, Groper, Do Me On the Beach, Perfect Woman, Woody, Miss Piss with Chesapeake, Spunk Monkey, Port-a-ho, G, Public Maceration, Dancing Fool, Sandy Penis Beach, Rugburn, Does It All and ...?
Our hare for the day was none other than Port-a-Ho who was celebrating her 39th and 29th birthday at the same time. As Port-a-Ho is known to take her celebrating seriously, she was on a gimpy leg from an apparent pool incident (no questions asked), but this would not prevent her from laying her traditional trail around the block with an always enjoyable array of creative games involved. Our RA, Skidmarks, called us together for “chalk talk,” in which Port-a-Ho produced the smallest bag of flour ever made and proceeded to mark an arrow pointing into her house, some flour blobs and the rest would remain to be seen. She also introduced a male friend, aka Ken doll who she said had lost his harem of naked bimbos somewhere out on trail and would like to have them returned to him. This caused much rejoicing amongst some of the pack who looked forward to a scavenger hunt and seeing more naked bimbos on trail than usual. Since Port-a-ho was taking the ambitious step of laying a live trail, we were instructed to give her a 12-minute head-start before venturing out of her backyard. This gave us plenty of time to enjoy some more beers as well as the pitcher of margarita provided by our hare as she limped away. And so, once 11 ½ minutes or so had ticked-by, we all grabbed some beers for the road and began to mosey up Smalleys Dam Road in search of flour blobs, naked Barbie’s, and hopefully some more beer.
As we wandered about toward the entrance of Port-a-ho’s neighborhood, we soon realized by the sheer size and frequency of marks that our gimpy hare had come up with the idea of laying trail from her car, aka “auto-haring.” Since the hare has no use for running anyway, this proved to be a genius strategy. Once we crossed over Old Baltimore Pike and made our way into the adjacent neighborhood, a Beer Near was discovered, which was a welcome site since most of us had less than half a beer left at that point. We made our way into Leathermans Run Park where we were greeted by an excitable yip-yip dog, some coolers of beer and some an assortment of colorful, spongy dice. Let the games begin!
Once the pack (more like herd of cats) was assembled, we were instructed to choose sides for an epic dodge-ball (dice) battle. The lines were drawn and it was hasher against hasher as the game commenced with us rushing toward each other to grab the dice first. An epic war ensued in which Lost was hit in the face by some asshole (sorry about that) and one by one the pack fell to the sword of Spunk Monkey who emerged victorious and unscathed. There was no time to lick our wounds, for it was time to move on.
Port-a-Ho then led us across a bridge to the basketball courts where she generously provided some balls for us to play with, 4 mini skateboards and 4 baskets. This was to be a human version of Hungry-Hungry Hippos in which we were instructed to lay prone on the skateboards holding the baskets in front of us while our partners steered us into the pile of balls that we were to gather with the baskets. Sounded simple enough, however the execution was an exercise in balance and core work as well as how much the wheels on the skateboards wanted to turn. In the end, the duo of Jewel of Duh-Nile and Wetter the Better emerged victorious with the most balls gathered, while Fuck 5 ended up with blood on trail after getting his finger run over by his own skateboard.
Port-a-Ho then led us back to the grassy field where our last game, the egg toss was to commence. We were instructed to form two lines facing our partners and then were to toss a raw egg back and forth without breaking it. Spunk Monkey served as ring master, telling us when to step back and occasionally reminding us how to form a straight line. As the lines became more and more separated and the eggs became more and more difficult to see in the fading light, more and more yolks ended up on the ground or their human targets (Woody’s ending up on yours-truly, though we were not partners). Fuck 5 and Closing Time were in a fight to the finish with Pube and yours-truly, with the latter team emerging victorious in the end and they were given the remaining eggs to use for breakfast, shiny hair or vandalism. Following this activity, we all mustered the energy to traverse the ¼ mile trek back to Port-a-ho’s house with Butthead engaging in some raceist behavior by sprinting past us all to the On In.
And so, once everyone had finally arrived in Port-a-ho’s backyard and was properly rehydrating with more beer, our RA Skidmarks commenced circle as the clouds rolled in and the thunder got louder and louder. Our hare drank many times for her shitty trail, gimpyness, auto-haring and making it one more trip around the sun. Those who had rounded up the naked bimbos presented them for inspection and Do Me was given top pimp honors for having the most. Interuptuses consisted of the hare, Spunk Monkey and Public Maceration who apparently thought it was the 4th of July, as normally we only see him on this day. Our visitor, known simply as “G” originally from Rochester and lately North East, MD was introduced and was serenaded since he could think of no unique song from his faraway homeland. Those who won the games drank for over-achieving and as the rain began to pour down on us, Woody served as the mouthpiece for one of the naked bimbos who dismissed us in great voice with, “May the hash go in peace,” aka get your asses inside before someone gets struck by lightning.
Following circle, Port-a-ho provided us with a delicious spread of baked chicken, rice with special sauce, potato salad and birthday cheesecake. Although the slip-and-slide was not enjoyed this year due to the thunderstorm, some games of darts broke out, more beers were consumed and all in all it was another shitty trail. Stay tuned for Hockessin Hash #1152 this Wednesday, the final Wednesday has before we switch to Saturdays.