Hitting save is very important... database sync isn't working and I am lazy
|What:||Hockessin Hash #1140|
|When:||June 15, 2016|
|Where:||Middle Run Valley Natural Area Possum Hollow Rd, Newark, DE|
Weird Al Spanks the Bitch
|What: Hockessin Hash #1140|
When: Wednesday, June 15, 2016 at 6:30 pm, HST
Where: Middle Run Valley Natural Area, Newark, DE
Who Hare: Weird Al and Bumpy Beaver
Friendlies: Trail should be dog friendly.
D'erections: Follow directions to the Tri-State Bird Rescue. Before you get to the Bird Rescue, take a left into the New Castle County park/Middle Run Valley Natural Area. Find wankers milling about, park and hash.
Cock a Doodle Don't
Dirty Wet Pussy
Do Me On the Beach
Hare Today Cum Tomorrow
Jewel of Duh-Nile
Kum On Inn
Magic Carpet Ride
The International House of Virgins
Tits of Steel
Weird Al Spanks the Bitch
|Trash for Hockessin Hash #1140|
So, the slobbering pack met at the Middle Run Valley Natural Area bird sanctuary in destination Newark, DE on a pleasant, somewhat humid 70-something degree evening of June 15, 2016 AD. Hashers I remember encountering at some point or other included: Wishboneher, Hare Today Cum Tomorrow, NecroPheelMeUp, PubeHeAteHer, Cockadoodledon’t, Pickle Dick, Tinsel Tits, Lost Penis, Skidmarks, Kum On Inn, Asshopper, Wet Lay, Bunion Butt, Dancing Fool, Groper, Do Me On the Beach, Tits of Steel, International House of Virgins, Magic Carpet Ride, Dirty Wet Pussy, Just Shane, Just Ben, Just Nile, Miss Piss, Woody, Weird Al, Bumpy Beaver, Fuck 5, Just Beth, Lost Boy, Mount Me, Just Reenie, Just Ruth, Just Wade, Just Owen, Devil Woman, Perfect Woman, Dead End, Toxic Shock, Butt Lite and ...?
Our hares for the day were Weird Al and Bumpy Beaver, who unbeknownst to greater society are actually the Ambassadors of Middle Run Valley, as they have been known to lay a trail or five from here over the years. We all enjoyed some pre-trail brews while trying not to block or annoy the curious mountain bikers in the parking lot too, too much. Weird Al threw some marks down for chalk talk, which most of the slobs ignored except for the impressionable quintet of fresh, young virgins who were being guided by our nurturing RA’s Skidmarks and Wishboneher on how to follow trail and not trust any of the rest of the drooling, seedy-looking characters milling about the parking lot. We were told to look for a check-back which had no number, some fuck-you’s and a beer near, which may or may not be in the parking lot of a certain church, if we had to venture a guess. The duct-tape reinforced sleeve of beer was bestowed upon Hare Today Cums Tomorrow since he had stolen beers from it two weeks in a row. Asshopper could only shrug when asked where the hash shit was from last week, so until it is retrieved from his garage, basement, bottom of the Newark Reservoir or wherever it may be, we will just have to wait. Finally, we were instructed that the chalk arrow was indeed true and we were released to disrupt the sanctuary as only hashers can.
Trail began with a check to confuse us right in the beginning. Since most of the slobs could not be bothered with doing the work of looking for trail right away, the check-hangers dicked-around while Pickle checked right and Pube and Skids went straight. Turns out, Pickle had found the end, so straight it was. Down into the depths of Middle Run we ventured dodging the obstacles of roots, rocks and mountain bikers along the way. Just Shane along with his virgin friend, Just Ben and Just Reenie’s brood of Justs Ruth, Wade and Owen were showing the pack what actual running looks like while the rolling hills continued to spread everyone out.
After crossing a bridge, the FRB’s followed trail to the right and hit the check-back with no number, however apparently the “check” had mysteriously been erased by some force of nature or meddling kids. Putting on our thinking caps, we decided to go left at the bridge and picked up the trail with more checks along the way. Finally, as the humidity was having its way with us a bear near came into view, however it was accompanied by an arrow as we were to encounter a bit of a climb prior to reaching the familiar church parking lot and giving thanks to the beer gods for the bounty of suds they had bestowed upon us.
The beer and water flowed (depending on one’s age bracket) as one-by-one the rest of the pack trudged in and all virgins and other assorted slobs were accounted-for. Fortunately, there were no cops in the immediate vicinity this time, though we had brought Mount Me along just in case we needed a buffer. Those who had done the CF climb this past Sunday were bitching and moaning about their sore legs while everyone else was just bitching and moaning, per usual. At last, after everyone had sufficiently numbed their limbs, we were led on-out by Weird Al, who decided to lay a few more marks for the more dim-witted elements who couldn’t find their way back to the parking lot. So, away down the trail he flew like a flash, tore open his bag, and threw flour down for the hash. And one-by-one the slobbering pack made it back to the parking lot, had some more beers and ventured happily to circle at the on-ever-after (at Weird Al and Bumpy’s abode).
And so, we circled in the hares’ backyard, with “circle” looking more like a disjointed amoeba until Wishboneher got our attention by yelling at us to “Fill the holes!” and many fists were raised in solidarity. The hares were made to drink for not having enough pavement or hills on trail. Weird Al was called-out for laying the same trail at least 5 times and still managing to get lost while marking it. Kum On Inn was designated FRB for the second week in a row, plus she got to remain in circle for her orange “racist” DE Marathon attire while Just Shane joined her for his Spartan Race shorts and Pube jumped in for his Broad Street Run shirt. Speaking of “racist” behaviors, all who competed in the CF climb, including Devil Woman, Lost Penis, Skidmarks, Necro and Pube were called into circle for surviving over 2200 steps and raising nearly $2,000 for the cause, with Lost Penis ensuring that everyone was clear that she had gotten third place. Perfect Woman was accused of being DFL, however claimed this to be a false accusation, so he and Wet Lay were both made to drink ... just because. Interuptuses, including Miss Piss and Dead End were made to drink, as well as auto hashers Mount Me and Do Me (because you must Mount Me before you Do Me). Asshopper blurted out some incomplete gibberish and was made to drink for it in addition to not bringing the hash shit back from last week. Virgins, Just Ben (made to cum by Just Shane) and Just Nile (made to cum by Just Ben) hadn’t been scared off yet and were given a fine introduction to the refined art of hashing with proper down-downs. Speaking of down-downs, lots of people were complaining about the temperature of the beer, which was about as warm as piss and probably tasted like it too, but I wouldn’t know. Speaking of piss, Miss Piss and Woody were both accused of sitting in circle, though Woody thought it was time for the hash to get a piece, but instead he got a piece of Miss Piss grinding him and making him live UP to his name. Groper was made to drink for having to borrow Bunion Butt’s horn after forgetting the actual hash horn. Hare Today Cums Tomorrow apparently only drinks stolen beer, because his entire beer sleeve was still full at the end. For this infraction, he was made to drink from the hash sleeve, which seemed to fit him snuggly, indicating that he was rather “in touch” with himself, so since he had a bit of an aiming problem he got to wear the beer instead. At long last, after many insults, several verses of the “El Camino” song and the “Who Said Head?” chant, more accusations, empty threats and broken promises, Woody was at last allowed to deliver an embellished benediction and bid, “may the hash go in peace.”
Following circle, we all enjoyed Weird Al’s bbq of burgers, dogs and chicken burgers and Bumpy’s endless tabouli, Caesar salad, pasta salad, mac ‘n cheese and cookie bars ... and wine in addition to more beer more beer more beer. All in all it was a lovely time after another shitty trail. Stay tuned for Hockessin Hash #1141 this Wednesday.